Where Grief Ends and Hope Begins

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Trauma is dark. It hits you deeper than you know exists within yourself.

I’ve lived and grown in the dark. There are moments when I’ve believed that it’s all I’d ever know. As I’ve started the work internally a few years ago, I realized that it had become so familiar that it became where I thrived. How sad is that? Trauma, pain, depression, is where I thrive. Even for me that’s a little too Poe.

So how do I stop that toxic cycle? Talking about it and bringing that truth life helps. Or, writing about it in this instance. So does forgiving myself for how I acted, or reacted, in those moments of fight or flight.

But how do I stop this grief, this trauma, from reoccurring? The one I couldn’t change the outcome on. The one that left a gaping hole in my family. Miscarriage and stillbirth is so rarely talked about. The overarching theme, from what I have read, is that women who’ve suffered a loss feel this invisible scarlet letter. From the sympathy behind someone’s eyes, to their tone, to their behavior. You’re the woman who lost their baby. Keeping something that is truly devastating at the forefront of interactions.

Today, October 3rd, I would have become a mom. Today is Kellan’s due date. Today I could’ve been so happy.

But instead today I was sad, and hopeless. I’m mourning what could have been.

But I’m not going to live here, in this space, forever. I’ve given myself time to grieve and heal. I will keep putting one step in front of the other. I will keep working on myself internally and externally. I will keep moving forward. Staying frozen is no longer something I’m willing to hold space for. This doesn’t mean I may not still grieve, or long for what could have been. Rather, I accept what happened as truth and I won’t let it stop me.

I will love Kellan for all that he was and could’ve have been. I’m grateful for the 20 weeks I was allowed to carry him. I’m grateful John and I were able to say good bye. I’m grateful for my friends and family who were by our side during this devastating time. I’m grateful for all the things this trauma allowed me to grow from.

So today, October 3rd, I take a step forward.